This story needs a name, like a child reborn, falling out of his mother onto the physical plane

This story needs a name, like a child reborn, falling out of his mother onto the physical plane.

There it goes again. My head. I think its me going down, snorting it up into my nose. But I'm never sure. Fifteen. I count the lines I do. I don't know why I do it. I think, I'm counting my sins. There I am again, blood running over my mouth. But is that me staring back, with the blank empty look and smile.

Guilt in quantity. I guess I'm hoping that in reminding myself that I'm doing something wrong, I'll feel guilty and stop. We take turns mostly, sometimes it's me and then its the drummer, make a game out of it, make it innocent, tag you're it. But not tonight. I can see Rocket back there, doing something to that girl. It looks like he's hitting her, cant be sure, don't want to look away. Rocket gets like this when he's had something, at least I don't hear any tears. No tonight I'm playing with myself. The kid the world made against the man daddy wanted me to be. Which one is staring back at me tonight? Do I even care? Sixteen. Sometimes I loose count, I wonder. Is it really sixteen, or a number I made up to humor myself? Is it more or less, or both? Do I care? Seventeen. We go on in fifteen minutes. America, isn't all that the tv makes it out to be. The American dream is fake, an advertisement. The girls are easy and the food is bad. I miss my wife. I miss little Bill. I only have whores to keep me warm at night, look daddy I made it. Eighteen. All I ever wanted was to be like my heroes. Play big stadiums, dress up, run around on stage, hear the roar of the crowed. Happiness. Another fucking lie. When the 90's rolled up, everybody got sad, nobody wanted to rock anymore, I wanna rock. Instead. Nineteen.

All the music I wrote, became fucking electronic. Fifteen. Electronic and hollow, black. Like my soul. No more Eddy, no more Ratt and Roll, only black empty gestures. Lets hit the floor. I became famous by killing that which I love, I am the whore that sold her fucking soul. Sixteen. We should have gone on by now. I'm so fucked up.

I don't know why he likes us, we're nothing like the music he makes. I wonder how far he's spread his legs?

“Come on dude, its party time!” Rocket, he's just going to leave her there, redoing the button on his leather pants. I'm so fucked up. Fifteen. Are you feeling the fire? Are you ready to explode? Are your dreams and desires, riding down the open road?

It's the boy-man my father wanted me to be. Bill turns around and heads through the door he came in, because thats just who he is.

I'm singing, or at least what they call singing these days, I'm so fucked up, but it's okay, even when I'm mumbling, they still think I'm cool. “Look at me, I'm so fucking anti-establishment it hurts!”

And the crowed goes wild. An ocean of black. I want to throw my body at the waves, have the sea eat me up. But every time I thrust forward, I see their faces and I succumb to the bloody stage floor once more. I guess I'm a lot more Alice then what I wanted to be back when Daddy kicked me out. I guess I had to let my hair more down then I what actually wanted too. I fucked up my voice so bad, just so I could sell a few records, stay relevant. I'm so fucked up. I scream through most of my shit. They eat it up. I replace some of the lyrics with insults, they eat it up.

This blows. My mind should be here right now, but sadly it's not. It's backstage, in that room they took those kids into along with a video camera, what the fuck is going on in there? And then I see something else. The big hair, the howling guitars the laughter and platinum records, I hear my real voice. I hear Nikita. The band I started in 1985. Not the brand, but the band. And then I try it, once more with feeling. I make eye contact with Hawk and he looks back at me. The club days all over again. “Oh Yeah!”

I flash him a smile and he responds. The music stops and they await the command. “I like the money”

Rocket nods and he starts the beat.

“I like the cars”

again.

“I like the little G-strings when they take em off.”

Hawk kicks it and Dove lays down the rhythm.

“I like the color of the sun,

“I like life cause there's nothin' fucking wrong”

Why am I screaming? Why aren't I hitting those high notes? Do I even want to? No. Why do I do this to myself? I should stop right now, O.D, do something, one. No, two, Don't. “Arrrrrrgh” three.

“I like woman, anywhere where theres a party

Honey you know you'll find me there.

I like it fast, and all the time. I'm a king baby and I like to live it up. Yeah!”

I'm moving, but not to my own fucking beat, to Reznor's, Jesus Christ, and some part of me is liking it.

“You like gays

On the tv, where they vote in politics and try on bikini's

I like Conan and lots a blood

I'll do better on Letterman than fuckin' Soft Cell.

I like bullshit

Cause when I'm high there's nothin' in the world that gets me down.”

So much distortion, it's hard to see anymore, get me the fuck out of here before I forgo all I believe in and more. Fifteen.

“I like to drive, and do it fast.

Cause there's nothin' worth doing if you don't do it fast.”

Empty, Nihilism is all I feel, give me more drugs to suppress this feeling as well so there's nothing left but me! Sixteen.

“I like the money

I like the cars

I like the little G-strings when they take em off.

I like the color of the sun,

I like life cause there's nothin fucking wrong,”

I hate you, and I hate myself, for standing up here and letting it all out. You don't deserve anything! Seventeen.

“I like romance

In the moonlight

On the back of my truck when there's no one around.

you like to scream,

So we do it outside

So if someone drives by they can crash their car.”

Who's left to count on when you cant count on yourself, when you let everything you were get taken from you without a fucking fight, who I am is not important, what I do is all that matters,

actions, they say, speak louder than words,

so if I'm screaming can God,

hear me as well?

Eighteen.

“I like chaos

In a girls eyes,

When she's doped up on love and the world is alright.

I like metal on the radio and sanctions on countries that doesn't think so, kick it!”

I am the poster boy you all like to hate,

the lipstick on my face is war scars from the life I've fucking led,

the dope in my eyes is the love I feel for all of you

cause the numbness like stones

says something too. Nineteen.

“You are all living a fucking lie, I'd like to hear the preacher count to seven, maybe when he's done sucking off all of our children!”

Bubblegum and teddy bear sex, Like I said, we take turns.

This goes on for a few minutes, or maybe hours, I forgot the moment I hit the stage. We run out without saying goodbye, maybe I did, my hand was up high.

“You were mixing up songs again Bill.”

“Was I?”

“Have some of these.”

He stretches out his baking powder hand towards Bill.

“What are they?”

“Smarties.”

He couldn't have said that, but I take it anyways. “What's it gonna do?”

“I don't know, a cop gave it to me.”

Your lips, are so black. Extremes, opposites, I'm so fucked up.

I leave him and head back to the couch. I guess I feel save there, It's so filthy. Stained with cum and blood, beer stains, shit, spit, make-up,heroin, Jesus Christ. I think I'll take a nap now. Fifteen.

I'm hungry. I think its my birthday today. Did they go on without me? My, My eyes are still closed/but I can see you with my/heart/ fairytale notions/bad breath/ all of the above/ is what I'll check. Yogurt is milk that's gone bad. All smarties become white if you suck on them long enough. Oh shit I'm so fucked up.

My eyes open up, and I see for the first time. This whore stuck on me, why is she here? Groupie? You mine or hers? No response. Bill pushes her off, “Rocket?” Where is everybody?

I'm alone again, with myself. I can still hear her play. When he's out there, It's like the whole building comes alive. Why does he do that? Amytiville horror, based on a true story. So fake. It's that damn door. Frank Spencer. What the fuck am I thinking off? Mumbling again I see. I need more drugs. /set me free/

1996 or 1997. 12 years ago is where it all began. Bill jumps up and stumbles to the mirror, the smell of crack heavy on his brow. My face, I. am. Old!”Argggh” But I have money. Success? All the time I lost, Nikita? “Nikita!” one more song, one more! He moves back and trips over the coffee table. Shit. Hawks guitar comes into view. I'm stuck. I need a way out. He grabs at it from under the table. I'll make it all better, not tomorrow but right now.

“huuuh” he pushes himself up against the foot end of the couch.

Bill tries to remember how this works,

“I saw the devil in her eyes...” He strums over the guitar, what will this be, this song he's writing? A up tempo, ballad, straight up rock song?

”...and I knew what she wanted.”

“So, so, I took off my morals, and put my gun on the, the, oh ...”

Last night I was ghost raped by the thought of you leaving me/ I had trouble closing my eyes,that your face kept flashing before me/If only you could leave in me/ as well...

“She was a creepy little girl, trapped in a womans body, she had a pentagram round her neck and that's what she found me looking at.” Rock song it is. He starts working on a riff, his mind drifting back and forth.

Argh! Take that smile and ghostrape me /argh you leave the door closed but the lock keeps fiddling with me/ I was molesting the thought of you leaving me/ waking up alone without a shred of decency!

“Her lips were full and red, red, I was waiting for her to seal my mouth with it,

I wanted her,

wanted her to send me away,

to purgatory we could go,

as long as she was there I would go anyway”

Hatreds over/ overcoming me/ doctor says need it to keep on breathing/ help me sacrifice the feelings I keep feeling!

“I felt ,ah, my body shaking,

she was doing something to my mind.

she gave me all I could take, until I could take no more.

We made the earth quake, she set me on fire.

Let me reiterate, that girl she said her name was desire.

She was the red blooded woman, scolding me so hot it left a

mark, oh God what is this feelin?

She was the red blooded woman, scolding me so hot it left a

mark, oh God what is this feelin?”

These feelings I keep feeling/mina harker/ keep sucking at my faith/ unrelenting/ bleeding out, resolution/ keeps on leaving/take this bloody stake of mine and stick it up your/ never needing keeps on feeding/ religious circumcision/ cut away the pain I feel/ my heart keeps beating but you're not there!

Argh I feel the sadness/ always eating/what's in the box it keeps screaming/ Pills keep popping/ tearing, scratching this darkness wants it more/laughing/grinning/I kept spinning /you're the demon inside of me.

“I felt her cold breath on my neck,

bite into me I begged

but she said no and put her neck to my mouth

I know how the vitae tastes

go ahead

help yourself”

You wanted to leave/ but I kept on calling/ crawling on you/ your back with regret I spat at you/ like ants I wanted you/ keep on carrying this baby I made out of nothing/ our love used to mean something now it just means/ I wanted you/ but you just wanted to be it all/ my greatest fears/ always coming true in you,

“A pretty candy kane in all the colors.

At one point she was sexy sweet and another that fox was sour.

I'd never had a girl like this

she gave me her body

she gave me her heart

then she gave me her soul

She slipped out of her red dress to reveal the final hour

tonight she would take me on that expensive chess board

I'd make the first move

only to hear her

cower”

Who was playing the guitar? All these questions. I already know all the answers.

“At only twenty four she had the world at her feet,

she was my Queen that night, and I'd wonder

would this really last

forever

She rode me like a horse all the way to hell, I wanted to stop and breath.

But, be a man she would yell.

This girl, she had the devil in her eyes. She set my soul on fire, left my inhibitions at the door, grabbed her hair and pulled her down to the cold blood stained floor.

She was the boss lady and all I could say after that... Is thank God I'd like some more tomorrow night.”

I am ungrateful now /always taking for granted/ all the times we had/ cause it was nice at first but now /I wanted something you could never give a man like me/ criminal /uncontrollable /animal /Bastard /incest ridden/ ghost raped unrelenting bloody soul/ Satisfy me/ by taking all this shit I have /abduction painting it /onto something/ different than me.

And then she calls. Bill jumps up. “Where is everyone? The music has stopped, the building has subsided.” That door. Her screams, its coming from that room. “Minna is that you?” Bill rushes to the door. The handle. He hesitates. Are they in there? Should I open it? I don't want to be raped by the doorknob. He presses up against it. Silence, listen to it, feed it with your curiosity, let it take form from within you, fucking with your insecurities. And then flowing through the eyes of the tree that is tainting the wooden passageway pressing up against Bill's open manhood a voice comes. “Sit still.” wh- “Or I will cut off your mouth.” Bill falls back. “Minna!” And then up against the door again. “Puh, Puhleez, no.”

“Repent.” “N, No.” “Confess to the reverent, and the pain will go away.” “No, I'm not...Catholic.”

“Today you are.” “No, nuhh” She's in pain, they are doing something to her. This is the kind of tour stories most bands never want to talk about. The shit that happens when the drugs get to much, and you let the animal out. The groupies that end up missing, the bodies that turn up mutilated. I have to do something!

He goes for the knob. No. Its cold and warm at the same time, splinters Bill doesn't want sticking into his fingers. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen Nineteen. Fifteen. He slides it onto the knob. I've seen enough.

Only God knows what I'll find. She was the red blooded woman, scolding me so hot it left a fucking

mark, oh God what is this feelin'

I keep feelin'?

I need you/ I need you/ I need you right now.

-S.K. J.G.L 2013

Clog the pain in my chest/ cause it's leaking out/ The ghost in me /it's leaking out.

An AU story about Bill and the Anti-Christ.